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Apr 6, 2009

Bad Query Contest

I entered a fabulous Bad Query Contest and my query was awful enough to warrant "highly recommended." Check out the winner and also the list of things which can go terribly awry in a query letter.

Here was mine:

Dear To Whom It May Concern,

What is the most allusive dream which is what Elenor Paige wants? But her husband has missing for forty years. Little does she know her sister knows where he is but is dead. When her sister is a ghost, the other ghosts are tyring to stop her. This is the point in the story where the villain reveals his ability to control all the governments of the world, including the Pope. And this is a conspiracy.

This is is not a stupid book like all of the crap on the shelves. This fiction novel will transforming your sole and make you glad to be life. This is a novel of the triumph of love and beauty and hope and goodness and the importance of freindship over an evil appliance of governments, religions and coroporations to control your brain and make you do what they want. This is a true story, but I change d the names so I wouldn't get sued again.

You are really stupid if you reject this book like all the other agents I quereid. But you probably will reject it because the Big Money wich is controlilng the Publishing is not really interested in wakening the sheeps but only in making people dumb. I hope you will be smart.

This book is 37,436 words long. Most of it is typed (but I had to hand write one chapter, ok?)

You may think because I am in prison I can't write a book, but you would be a fool if your really think that. This is a true story, so you should buy it. I have a good markiting plan too. I plan to be on Oprah. I think the Rock should play Bill Blade, the hero of my book, when it is made into a movie. So I will not take you as my agent unless you can promise tot get the Rock to play Bill Blade. Shakira should play Elly, but some other hot chick would be okay too.

Sincerely,
Soon to Be Famous Author

In retrospect, there are so many things I could have done to make the letter even more ghastly. I can't believe I forgot to type my letter in inch-high pink gothic font against a sparkly orange background with red blinking hearts and dancing skeletons. Why didn't I include pictures of me, in lingerie, holding my beloved pitbull Killer Pumpkin?

8 comments:

scott g.f. bailey said...

"This fiction novel will transforming your sole and make you glad to be life."

Where do I buy a copy? Tell me where!

I laughed so hard I spat coffee on my keyboard. Damn you.

The Screaming Guppy said...

I think lingerie and Killer Pumpkin the dog would be enough to sway any agent. ;)

ban said...

'so I wouldn't get sued again.' classic ! thanks for the laugh(s) :D

writtenwyrdd said...

That was a funny, funny letter.

"This is a novel of the triumph of love and beauty and hope and goodness and the importance of freindship over an evil appliance of governments..." That really cracked me up, imagining what an appliance of goernments would look like...an eggbeater? a sex toy?

Cindy said...

Yeah, once I saw your Bad query letter I realized how much mine sucked. Not the right word, I guess, as it didn't quite suck enough. That was great! I also can't believe I didn't put mine in some crazy font with a totally outlandish color. Good job!

laughingwolf said...

dang tootin' tara, i'm surly not gonna by it, can i so? :O lol

seriously, that's great as it is ;)

Dal Jeanis said...

Rolling on the floor.

"...over an evil appliance of governments..."

The federal ovens and refrigerators are evil!

Evil, I tell you!

jessie said...

This is hilarious! I hope you get out of prison soon.